I don’t think I can count how many rejection emails I have received.
Sure you brush off the first few, it’s early days and you’re just getting into the swing of applications.
But then more come, and the days are rushing on and people keep asking you if you have a job yet.
You manage to keep going though, because you have some amazing people supporting you. Sure, every now and again you waver and you have to retreat to your cave, but mostly you’re doing okay.
Things might even look up for a while, you get a phone call about a possible interview, one which you maybe get over-excited about. You tell your parents and your friends and you let yourself celebrate and think about what it would be like if you had the job. But then nothing comes of it. You have to speak on the phone with your grandparents and tell them it wasn’t meant to be. You keep it in but the moment you hang up you’re straight onto your mum crying down the phone and wondering what you’re doing wrong. She cries too. Because she can’t be there to hug you and tuck you up into bed and tell you everything will be okay. Because this isn’t the first phone call she’s got like this and it won’t be the last. All she can tell you is that you’re too fierce for this world and that you’re a fighter and you have to keep fighting because what’s the alternative.
So that’s what you do. You keep your mothers words in mind and you come out fighting. You apply for more things, you send out more emails, you sign onto more sites.
And then one little email.
One tiny email that carries with it so much more than a rejection.
You weren’t rejecting me from a job, you were rejecting me from a community. You were turning me away from a site that is supposed to help.
I’m back to those woods that used to be my happy place. Now they’re my last resort. I stand on the edge of them and look down at the lake below me and think about how easy it would be to jump off. I never will. But sometimes you have to stand on the edge to remind yourself you don’t want to go over.
And the worst part? You were totally right. I can’t get mad at you because it’s all true.
Instead I have to read your words over and over, and I have to listen to them.
But I’m a fighter, and I have to fight because what’s the alternative? I’m too fierce for this world and sometimes the bravest thing I do is log into my emails.