Being an avid reader, I often expect my life to slip into place just like it does in novels for the characters. I have long realised that men and relationships are nothing like they are in fiction and I have come to terms with that, but looking for a job I realise that I have been holding onto the thought, the hope that that would sort of just, well, work out. It’s not that I haven’t been looking and trying, but I know that deep down I’ve been waiting for the perfect job to land in my lap. I guess literature is more engrained into me than I realised.
Some may claim that they have outgrown the knight in shining armour complex. But I believe that many, I included, have simply traded their knight for something else. I still expect something to come along and save me, giving me the life I want. I still hold onto the hope that something will land in my lap, or hope that with a small amount of effort I will achieve what I want.
There’s a reason that the star crossed lovers tale is such a popular one; a reason that the basis of nearly all the stories and films out there is a falling apart of something, only to come together again. It’s because as humans we love hope. It comforts us in the darkest of our days and without it I think a lot of people would fall apart. But it’s been giving me excuses, whispering to me in the dead of night that I don’t need to take control; it’s okay, because it will work out.
It may not be a man but I’m still not taking responsibility for the part I should be taking in my own life, which sounds crazy now I write it down. I am expecting something else to get my life started… Maybe then I don’t have to blame myself if it all goes wrong, or worse, I realise I don’t actually know what I want.
Overwhelm to me is the desperate need to get on with life, alongside the paralysing fear of anything changing from exactly how it is now. I’m overwhelmed and I’m not sure if I’m letting fear, denial or hope rule my life at the moment.